A dear friend of mine sent me this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
As I was reading it I could feel a plethora of emotions. I felt angry because I could associate with it and then I felt happy that I realized all of it before this article came across. This article neither made me entirely sad nor entirely happy. Here’s my take on it with reference to my life and the evolution of my thought process *wink*.
I had always dreamt about getting married, while I did not want a big pompous wedding – I did want a wedding. I am fairly ambitious about my career but I could never see it take precedence over getting married or having children. (I could never imagine myself as those 40 year old super successful but single women) Getting married, having kids – those are things that I wanted – sooner than later. When I met Big..I thought this is it…he’s the man I want to get married to…I want to have his crazy children *toothy grin* unfortunately for heart’s pride, he did not want the same things. He had different plans, different ideas and a whole different path and those were things I could never understand. I thought working, getting married and having children was the logical conclusion to a person’s life. He on the other hand wanted certain accomplishments under his belt before he could give away his independence to the full time responsibility called marriage. I used to get frustrated when he called it a responsibility because I used to think – well I earn so how will I be a burden. That’s where I went wrong – responsibility does not have to mean burden. It certainly did not mean a burden for Big who, I must say, is a very progressive man. Men and women think differently – we all know it. But did I understand it till now – NO! I thought marriage was a whole new life and a lot of independence. Big thinks it’s a responsibility – towards another person, another family 24 X 7 and rightly so.
I was in a state of emotional overload since the past couple of months. I very recently identified the reason. So here it goes – I have always been a planning person. I plan things and more times than not I am able to successfully carry out the plan I make. Whether it is a small thing like making a to-do list every morning when I get to work or whether it is a big thing like planning a trip, an investment or anything – I plan and I like to stick to plans. So, coming back to the point of emotional overload – I planned my twenties in a certain way. I wanted to be married by 25 and have kids by 30, so when I saw that it was not happening, I felt a sense of failure – a failure which kept sticking to my face and made me highly resentful. That anger, frustration and resentment reflected rather lowly on my personal relationships. I fought and fought with Big. Now I look back at it and think – even I would not want to marry me if that’s who I had become.
And then something happened…I do not want to get into the details of what happened but the outcome was that I realized that getting married is NOT the logical conclusion to my life. I realized that there is something called a Plan B. I realized that failure can lead to success if and only if taken positively. I realized that in order for two people to be happily married to each other they both HAVE to want the same things as far as marriage is concerned even if they choose to take different paths to reach the final point and finally I realized that life is indeed to too short to be an angry resentful person and that only I am responsible for my own happiness – if I can’t give it to myself I won’t be able to give it to anyone.
So here are my comments on that article – point by point :
1. You’re a bitch – Yes Indeed, I have been a bitch. I have been so angry that it surprises me. I used to be such a happy and cheerful person and since the last year or so that person was just lost. I am glad I am getting my mojo back 😀
2. You’re Shallow – Now THAT I am not! I fall for character which is what explains sticking around with Big for so long despite the tumultuous rollercoaster ride of a relationship. Well, the article points out that, Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. I know big will find it debatable – so I won’t get into it.
3. You’re a slut – Nope…Not me! No fling, no sleeping around.
4. You’re a liar – I did not lie but yeah I should have told Big in the beginning that I am looking for something really long terms and serious. (Not that he flirted with me or wanted a fling – but yes I should have told him how much a commitment mattered for me)
5. You’re selfish – not at all…well not that much! 😀
6. You’re not good enough – well I thought that for the longest time with Big. But now, I feel like I am patching myself up and getting more in sync with myself. I get attention from men 😀 and I like it but not to the point where I would do anything about it. I have just recently become single and I’d like to keep it for a long time now. My ability in choosing the wrong partner is by now…legendary. I’d like to delve deeper in perspective before I even date anyone. Till then – as my friend sahiba says ‘ Be single and enjoy the attention’.
A small note to my friends – (and belive me it took me two days to decide that I should publish it)
I know you all really love me and I also know that everytime you saw me cry you hated Big even more. I am glad I have such good friends who feel joy in my joy and sorrow in my sorrow. But for once I will tell you what it looks like – I always told you what he did not do, how he did not want to commit, how he never made plans. I cried and I cried and you felt horrible about me being in this relationship. Tell me – if you were in a relationship with me – a perpetual whiner and a nag queen would you want to commit. That’s who I had become. I should have taken the alternate route of trying to reason it out with him – but I always just fought. I cannot believe I am writing this but here it goes- I am glad he did not lie to me and tell me he loves me everyday. I am glad he did not give me a shallow commitment he could not have stuck to. I am glad I am 24 and I finally have some sense stuffed into my brain.I want you all to know – he wants different things in life. He wants things at certain times and in a certain way just like we all do – just because it does not go with our scheme of things does not mean he is a baddie. He is a good guy. He does charity cases for poor people. He respects people no matter whether it is the parking guy, the domestic help or a big bureaucrat.No matter how much we fought when at his place – he always made sure I ate well and never left empty stomach. He never ever ever disrespected me in front of his friends. He was always very polite and helpful to my family even if my brother called him exactly 5 minutes after we had a massive fight.Yes, he has some flaws too. But we all have them.We are no more together and do not see us having a future either but we will be friends and I am glad we were able to come to an amicable solution.
I’ll end this loooongg and I know rather boring post by quoting Tracy McMillian from that article
“The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along”.
Love – Ing