Once bitten, twice shy …thrice blind!

It happened once ..and I picked myself up and moved on in life. 

It happened again…and I was shattered but I picked myself up and moved on in life.

It has happened again and I will never trust a man again.



For the first time I feel…

being a woman sucks…:(

Don’t take me wrong. I think we women are awesome people. So before I pour my heart over why I feel being a woman sucks..I’ll list out some awesome things about us..

1. We have so any choices in clothing and accessories. We can wear pants and skirts, sarees and suits and hell we can wear shorts to clubs.

2. We have higher pain threshold. (For all those men who think getting kicked in the balls is the highest degree of pain – well maybe it is, maybe it is more painful than pushing a giant 2 kilo ball out of your pussy..Just maybe) BUT how many times in your lifetime do you get kicked in your balls? Do you get kicked in our balls 5 days a month? Do you get kicked in your balls for 6 hours continuously (ouch) NO right…so then shut up and sit back…because we get a period every month and it hurts, we push your babies out of our bodies like it’s a smooth ride. We stay in labor for hours and hours to give you something to be proud of. You can’t respect that…then you deserve to be kicked in your balls.

3. We can get away with crying. :)(

4. We can multitask.  Hell yes we can!

5. We reach maturity sooner than men. 23 year old woman and 23 year old boy! HA!

6. We have the courage to leave everything – our home, our family and our comfort zone behind and start afresh in a man’s house – love his family, raise his kids and manage the house. We are awesome!

7. Higher tax rebate LOL

8. We can give birth! Period

Now, I’ll list out why I think being a woman sucks…(as of today)

1. 20% lower pay than men for doing the same job.

2. Expectations that woman will be manicured, pedicured, primped and preened to a high degree at all times.

3. Menstruation

4. Pressure to have children thank’s to a ticking biological clock.

5. When men gossip it’s “networking”, when women talk it’s “bitching”.

6. Finally, the reason why I think being a woman sucks – we have a heart. We feel too many emotions and can’t keep a check on it. We fall for a guy and Boom everything changes. Not only do we become weak in the knees but also in resolve. We wait, we pray and we forgive but do we ever look at ourselves and tell ourselves that if he really loved you – he would stand by you and hold you. We’re like Charlie Brown running to kick the football. We know that he’s going to pull the ball away, but we run towards it anyway, hoping that maybe, just maybe, this time he’ll do it. Do you know how hard it is for a man to decide to make a woman “The One”? Do you know the amount of BS and “tests” a woman has to put up with and pass, before she is deemed worthy of marriage material? I’m sure some of you do. Especially if a guy has a great single life, he’s going to make damn sure that that woman is worth giving that all up for. By the time he decides that she is “The One”, he has put her through all kinds of stuff, because he needs to know that she has his back when times get hard. But then this is the kind of guy who is still willing to commit. What happens when you fall for someone who is not willing to commit no matter what….You have still gone through the same amount of ‘tests’, stuff and what not but you still don’t know if the guy loves you. You can love him, his friends, his house, his dog, his maid and his habits but he doesn’t love you…Why? Because of two things – Either he is still hurt because some woman in the past decided to play him over and screw his happiness and his emotional capabilities to the level that he can never trust/love another woman …or he is just too much of a Single guy to give up his independence – or maybe both!

If I was a man..I really would not have cared enough. I would have said – fuck the bitch and moved on. I would have played video games with my buddies, drank beers and  fucked random women. But I am a girl – I cry to my best friends, I pray to god, I hope and hope and hope that things would change. I drown myself in work and yet miss him subconsciously. I resolve to not meet him yet spend weekends with him and come back home all zeroed on resolve. And that’s when it sucks to be a woman.

Seriously dude…

I am so gutted that  I feel compelled to write this post.

Case 1: Girl loves Boy. Boy loves Girl. Boy is saat samandar par and Girl is struggling to start her career. The problem is not with the girl or her career, the problem is ‘home is where heart is’ the boy is not around and so nothing seems good, no job, no career choice, no city …nothing works. Brainfucked!
Case 2.1: Boy loves a girl since college , girl loves someone else but gets married to the boy nevertheless – thinking maybe it’s for the best. Boy still loves girl and girl still doesn’t. Brainfucked!

Case 2.2: Girl (from 2.1) loves boy, boy and girl cheat, boy and girl fight, boy and girl don’t trust. Girl decides to walk out of it all and gets married to boy (2.1) and thinks life will change ….it does, only to become a never ending tryst with the feeling called – misery. Girl still loves boy 2.2 more than ever….Brainfucked!

Case 2.3: Boy loves girl, girl loves boy, girl hides stuff about Boy (2.1),  Boy looses mind, fucks around thinking he will get over the girl only to realize he will fall harder and harder for the girl.

Case 2 Epilogue: Girl is married to Boy 2.1 and in love with Boy 2.3 who is still trying to move on. Brainfucked!!

Case 3.1: Girl and Boy are best friends since bachpan. Boy and girl grow up and realize they kinda like each other. Boy and girl start dating each other and get seriously involved. Boy loves the girl. Maybe the girl loves the boy too (I am not sure because I am not 3.1) Girl decides to follow other pursuits in life, leaving behind a shattered boy. Girl goes to Videsh  starts a career, dates other people and life moves on. (Not really Brainfucked)

Case 3.2: Boy loves girl and is shattered after she leaves him to follow other pursuits. Boy has difficulty dealing with emotions and goes into a shell. Boy has seen enough in life and he could have gone the rest of his life without this experience but life has its own way to teach us what and who is right or wrong even if it’s for the moment. Boy is struggling to start a career and drowns himself in work and his biggest enemy – alcohol. brainfucked!!!

Case 3.3: Girl (3.3) meets shattered boy and falls in love. Girl helps boy come out of the darkest corners and start afresh. Boy cannot love anybody after experience 3.1. Girl keeps waiting for boy to tell her he loves her. The words that mean the world to girl. Boy never tells her whether he loves her or not. Boy cares for her a great deal, boy is very affectionate but boy does not think he can love anyone again or can go through the same thing again. Girl waits and wait and waits and then gives up and moves on…(brainfucked)

Case 3.4: Girl (3.4) comes in the boy’s life like a breath of fresh air. Boy likes it and starts becoming happy. They have moments, they have joy, they have laughter. Girl becomes a part of boy’s close group of friends…All this.. until the devil called ‘lack of trust’ conquers boy’s mind again and a once beautiful relationship spirals down into fights, arguments, drunken brawls, and tears. Girl loves the boy more than anything else. Girl prays and waits that boy would realize that they are meant for so much more together. Girl doesn’t leave boy’s side but boy silently moves on. Girl cries herself to sleep every night praying that her dreams would come true. brainfucked!!!

Case 3 Epilogue: Girl 3.1 realizes after years of following her pursuits that maybe Boy is the one! Tells boy that she loves him. Girl’s family backs her.  Boy is confused because Girl 3.4 is still around somehow. Girl 3.4 is heartbroken that another person is in middle of them..or maybe she is in middle of them. Girl 3.4 wants boy to be happy but is angry at girl 3.1 for conveniently waltzing in and out of boy’s life just to find a suitor to get married to(obviously girl 3.4 is wrong but such are human emotions). Girl 3.4 prays everyday that he realizes he loves her ..only to be dismayed after somehow finding out that he loves Girl 3.1 because no matter what came and went, no matter how many boyfriends or girlfriends later…they are best friends and maybe are meant to be. brainfucked!!!

Final Epilogue – Seriously dude…Fuck love!!!

It’s all about…Happiness

We all want to be happy..don’t we? I want to be happy, even if it comes at the cost of letting everything go.

Big has a Sort -of -Natasha in life. I am trying to move on….have kind of taken a lot of steps ..maybe I am very close to  actually realizing it but let’s see how things pan out. All I could think about till some time back was to be with Big. That obsession has been taken over by the bigger good of being a better person and letting him go because he does not belong with me …he does not love me …so who am I to hold him back? Maybe I can’t even do it.

I am busy uniting everyone with whosoever loves them so that maybe eventually I will be happy. I know for sure that I will not be with any man now. I have had my share and I am done. Surprisingly it was an overnight decision to let go of the idea that I will be married to the man I love, I will have a family and will live happily or almost happily. Now all I see when I think about future (if at all I do) is me, my career, my dog and a house. No husband, no family, no bliss. And to tell myself that I am very serious about this reality I started using up all the things I had bought or saved for my wedding with Big. Each of those things I am using day by day. Opening, using and giving each one of them is like letting go of each dream I had associated with those things and Big. Things I got for big are going away to cousins, bedding I got is going away to friend’s and cousins’ weddings, lingerie I had so adoringly bought from all good places in UK is now being worn on random days. Toiletries were given to the maid and some are being used. I am letting go…even if it means starting with objects…..I am giving away my man to a woman I don’t respect. When I have been so careful in giving my things to people who I know will cherish and use them appropriately, I ask myself – Why am I giving big to someone I don’t respect. The answer is simple – His happiness belongs somewhere else. Because if it wasn’t for his happiness I would not even as much as utter her name for the lack of respect that I have for her.  When I think about all this …the thought that lingers is  – How can I give Big to anybody, he never belonged to me…How can you give something that does not belong to you…..

Tough Times
Me 😦

Back to work with vengeance

My trip got cancelled 😦 I am so gutted! But in retrospect I think that maybe whatever happened, happend for some bigger good! BIGger or not …is still the BIG question. (I suck at it 😀 )

So instead of taking the 15 day break I am back to work – back with a vengeance to work harder and harder. I feel like a clockwork mouse that has been wound up with a key and is bombing about in all directions – mentally and physically.

Anyway, at this point of time – I feel like I should talk about something that is going good in my life. My work – It has been a blessing when everything has turned upside down. It is the only solace in my life when all I see is sorrow (Sheesh I really do suck at it)

So, I work in the PR and Events department in “XYZ” the largest cloud service provider in event industry IN THE WORLD. Yes, I am not going to divulge into details of where who what for obvious reasons. But just so you know….we are multi million dollars in net worth 😀 😀 😀 
I am one of the very few people( I think only 3-5) in the company who work on two teams simultaneously which also means that we are an indespensable group of peeople 😀 😀 (or so I would like to believe)

So I am not the usual event planner or the usual PR girl who takes care of press releases or company events. So here’s a peek –

Events – we have more than 800 Seminars across 4 product lines in more than 15 countries each year. These seminars require a lot of planning, forecasting, execution and number crunching. All of this requires contract negotiations, shortlisting venues, managing RFPs, sourcing, quarterly roadmap planning and creation and a lot of other stuff. This year in 2012 we are also having a huge User Conference which is mostly done by companies like Microsoft, Vocus, Google etc etc…so it’s a huge project and I am totally kicked about it.

As for PR – I am the part of a team which takes care of all publicity – news releases, interviews, articles, awards management, speaking opportunity management and other publicity campaigns. This means that we have to be on our toes with deadlines, deadlines and deadlines. We have to pitch to difficult journalists, we have to sort the write ups, we just have to keep writing and writing – whether it is a huge interview  or whether it is a small write up for a brief in an article. 

So far I have had a great time working in this fast paced environment. My seniors (none of whom know about this blog) have given me opportunities that has brought me from back to the front league. Really looking forward to more and more work. Will soon introduce work characters…..till then…
Me 🙂

2012 in words!

There are some words that are floating in my head right now. We all need these great words for 2012. So I thought I’ll pen it down – so that I remember it throughout the year!

1. Hope – It all starts with positivity. A hope, that this year will be THE year. Just the right amount of hope can change your situation from tricky to terrific. The biggest fad of this year is that everything will come to an end. If we were to actually think about it all the time – we’ll really just be inviting it. Hope puts such claims to rest. Life is where positivity is.

2.Perceive – We need to take time to perceive where we might be going in terms of every important aspect of our life – career, organization, company, skill set and think about what it means and how it will develop us into well rounded professionals/individuals.

3.Strength – This year will test us more than any other year. Everything from Economy to family set ups is changing. Change is inevitable and it takes a great amount of strength to accept that.

4.Focus – Hang on to hope, perceive your career choices and accept change but don’t lose focus. Priorities are set in order for us to organize our choices better. Choices that we make every day, they stick to us like a tattoo on the face. We cannot lose focus when we are faced with difficult choices every day.

5.Humanity – It does not end at donating a buck. Feel it and feel good!
Me 🙂


I am absolutely swamped with work today – but I felt that I just HAD to take time out to write this post because I am so grateful that I have such friends. I am sure most of you know that I am going through an emotional turmoil at this present moment. Just barely hanging in there! It makes me wonder – some things can make us feel so tiny and inconsequential. Anyways, that’s not why I am writing this post.

So yesterday my blackberry status read –
“All odds are against me..Show me you exist”

Just to let you know that I have 44 friends on my blackberry list. Some of them are friends I talk to frequently…some of them I speak to once in a while and then there are some who I have not spoken to besides some random broadcast messages here or there. 44 friends in total. 

12 out of the 44 friends – changed their status messages after my status message and this is what they read –

(I am only going to mention their BB Names – for the sake of confidentiality :D)

1. Pary : People deserve better …Yet desire existence of the inferior.
2. Dips: Bless @ Shivani – You deserve the best and so you shall get!
3. Sheikha: Show her you exist…She’s ur spesh(special) child & u knw it
4. Sahibaan: May you get what you want – ❤ u Shivu!
5. Krita: if it’s for a guy – He’s is lucky
6. Nrj: You belong in his arms S…god is watching!
7. MJPopper: Existence is a state of mind. Go for it!
8: Tee: My prayer today..Shivani Be Blessed!
9. Keerat: Odds are not for angels like you Shivi
10: Garima: Your knght (knight) in shining wil soon opn (open) his eyes!
11: Kams!:God exists in your heart.
12: Utkrisht: Whethr u gv me or not..gv her what she wants (Whether you give me or not..give her what she wants)

Things like these don’t happen everyday.Things like these don’t happen to average people like me…Which is why this post will forever be in my heart!

A BIG HUGE THANKS to ALL OF YOU! 90% of you don’t know my problems, issues or anything that’s happening yet you posted this! I did not ask you to do anything like this …I was probably too engrossed in my own mess that I don’t even know what’s happening in your life…Yet you posted all this!  I feel blessed to just have you all in my life.

A friend of mine – Madiyan (I call him by his last name) told me that probably that’s how God is showing his existence by telling you that – you will have what you want. God can’t come down and stand next to you ..he can just show you signs and all you can do is…have faith!

me 🙂