We all want to be happy..don’t we? I want to be happy, even if it comes at the cost of letting everything go.
Big has a Sort -of -Natasha in life. I am trying to move on….have kind of taken a lot of steps ..maybe I am very close to actually realizing it but let’s see how things pan out. All I could think about till some time back was to be with Big. That obsession has been taken over by the bigger good of being a better person and letting him go because he does not belong with me …he does not love me …so who am I to hold him back? Maybe I can’t even do it.
I am busy uniting everyone with whosoever loves them so that maybe eventually I will be happy. I know for sure that I will not be with any man now. I have had my share and I am done. Surprisingly it was an overnight decision to let go of the idea that I will be married to the man I love, I will have a family and will live happily or almost happily. Now all I see when I think about future (if at all I do) is me, my career, my dog and a house. No husband, no family, no bliss. And to tell myself that I am very serious about this reality I started using up all the things I had bought or saved for my wedding with Big. Each of those things I am using day by day. Opening, using and giving each one of them is like letting go of each dream I had associated with those things and Big. Things I got for big are going away to cousins, bedding I got is going away to friend’s and cousins’ weddings, lingerie I had so adoringly bought from all good places in UK is now being worn on random days. Toiletries were given to the maid and some are being used. I am letting go…even if it means starting with objects…..I am giving away my man to a woman I don’t respect. When I have been so careful in giving my things to people who I know will cherish and use them appropriately, I ask myself – Why am I giving big to someone I don’t respect. The answer is simple – His happiness belongs somewhere else. Because if it wasn’t for his happiness I would not even as much as utter her name for the lack of respect that I have for her. When I think about all this …the thought that lingers is – How can I give Big to anybody, he never belonged to me…How can you give something that does not belong to you…..