this is what life taught me at 25

**this is going to be a hinglish post because I am going to write exactly what I am thinking and I don’t want to dilute my thoughts by translating them into a language I am not thinking in**

I love you, main tumse bohot pyar karti/karta hoon, I’ll die without you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you…i’ll do anything for you ————At the end, all this sums up to just one thing: I want to fuck you. I want to have sex with you. I want to make love to you. I want to see how hot your boobs are. I want to see how big your cock is. I want to feel how tight your ass is. 

Are we so afraid to tell the truth? Kya hum saaf saaf kisi ko yeh nahi keh sakte ki – haan tum hot ho aur tolerable bhi par point saara yeh hai ki I want to fuck you. 

Jab ghoom fir kar saari baat sex par hi aani hai toh uske aage peeche itni raas leela kyun laga lete hain. Agar ladki openly bole ki – dekho tum achhe ho and all that, lekin main relationships ya pyar mein believe nahi karti and i’d like it agar hum sirf sex tak hi rakhein – toh pehle toh woh ladka khush hoga ki wah bhayi  lottery lag gayi, bina effort ke hi iski pants utaar li maine – aur kuch time baad – “Slut hai Saali” 

Similarly – agar ladke saaf saaf keh dein ki dekho bhayi …pichle girlfriend ne mera mindfuck kar diya aur mere dimaag ko kahin ka nahi chorha aur isiliye main sirf aur sirf “Sambhog” karna chahta hoon – toh kya ladki phir bhi usse baaat karegi??? 

You must be thinking ki main aisi baatein kyun kar rahi hoon. Main toh woh typical “safed ghode pe aayega” type ki ladki hoon, pyar shaadi, bacche and all that. 

Theek 27th february ko – ek baar PHIR maine apne on/off boyfriend se ladai kari, aur ek baar phir maine prann liya ki usse kabhi baat nahi karungi. Raat bhar royi, subah aankhon ke neeche ke ghadde dekh ke usse kosa bhi…..roz ki tarah office gayi …din bhar i kept fighting with my thoughts that I am better off without him. Yeh sab 1 march tak achhe se chala. 1 March ko ek unfortunate metro ride pe – jispe main kuch 1 1/2 ghante ke liye stuck thi – mere dimag ne meri thodi zyada hi maar li aur mujhse ek sawaal poocha. 

Ek simple sa question tha – In the last two years – what’s the one thing he did that still makes me go weak in my knees? Any surprise, koi special date ya koi special SMS, ya koi special moment. 

What a shame – 1 1/2 ghante tak main dheet insaan ki tarah sochti rahi aur sochti rahi – jawaab. KUCH NAHI. 

Main hamesha sochti thi ki main unn typical ladkiyon mein se nahi hoon – 500 phone calls, 250 i love you ke message, 375 I miss you baby….535 hum kal kya kar rahe hain?……—- aur main yeh sab soch ke unn par hasti thi ki kya bewakoof ladkiyan hain…par uss din mujhe laga ki main kitni badi bewakoof hoon. 

Usne toh pehle hi keh diya tha….I dont believe in relationships aur pata nahi main pyar kar bhi sakta hoon ki nahi, toh phir maine iske subtitles kyun nahi padhe – “tumse baat karta hoon toh achha lagta hai…tumse attracted bhi hoon….yes, indeed i’d like to have sex with you” 

Kyun nahi kabhi vishwaas kiya ki life mein saare man woman relationships sex ke aas paas hi ghoomte hain. 
Kisi ko sex mein contentment chahiye, kisi ko excitement aur kisi ko adventure. Jiske saath woh mil gaya ..bas wohi THE ONE hai. Toh mujhe kya chahiye? Excitement?? Adventure?? Contentment?? 

Nahi ..mujhe toh pyar chahiye tha. Main bhool gayi ki SEX aur PYAR …ek hi coin ki do sides hai.. PYAR bas us toffee ka wrapper hai jiske andar sex hota hai. Toh kisi ke aage jitna marzi wrapper hila lo..usse toffee chahiye toh toffee hi chahiye…aur kisi ke aage jitni marzi toffee hila lo…usse wrapper chahiye toh bas wrapper hi chahiye. 

Aaaj main apne andar jhaankti hoon toh mujhe woh damage dikhta hai ..jiska blame main kispe daaloon?? 

Uspe jo har waqt mujhe apni chaabi wali gudiya ki tarah rakhna chahta tha. aur har hafte ek nayi ladki ki maarta tha….ya uspe ..

jisne 1 1/2 saal roz mujhse jhoot bola aur uss harr din woh kisi aur ke saath tha….

ya usse ..jisne mujhe kabhi pyar kiya hi nahi ..aur intellectual gyan de ke ..mere dil aur dimag ki maar di aur khud apne purane pyar ke saath on/off on/off khelta raha. 

Kisse blame karoon? Kisi ko kar nahi sakti..kyunki inn sabko yeh haq maine diya tha..ki woh jaise chahein waise mujhe dhaal lein….aur jab mann bhar jaaye toh chord ke chale jaayein. 

Ab mujhe inme se kisi se koi shiqayat nahi hai..Jisne jaise zindagi jeeni hai woh vaisi hi jieyga. Main kaisi  jeena chahti hoon woh main ji hi loongi. Lekin inn teen maha purushon ki wajah se aaj main yeh keh sakti hoon…

Ki pyar, love ..yeh sab TV aur Filmo ki dein hai…Mere jaisi gawar middle class ladkiyan ..hamesha yehi sochti hain..ki koi knight in shining Armour aayega aur unki zindagi ek bed of roses mein badal jayegi….par hota yeh hai ki….Cock in shining condom aata hai …aur aapki zindagi ko achhe se screw karke chala jaata….aap trash can ban jaate ho jisme woh apni saari insecurities dump karta hai aur jab can bhar jaaye toh agle trash can ki taraf barh jata hai. 

yeh toh tayy hai..ki main ab iss stupid word “love” ke chakkar mein padhne waali hoon nahi. Dhairya Samapti ki Ghosna. Aur jo bohot handful log mere iss boring blog ko padhte hain unhe bhi main yehi salah doonig. 

Kisi ke liye apni zindagi mein itni jagah mat banao ki unke jaane ke baad aapki zindagi ki aise watt lage ki aapko roz lage ki aap jee hi kyun rahe ho. Dosti tak sab kuch theek – par flings, affairs, relationships aur shaadi ..yeh sab short term la long term license hai …sex ke liye. Toh iss concept ko shuru se hi clear rakho….sex chahiye toh sex maango…..kisi ka dil tod ke nahi. 

Rebound karke move on kar jaongi socha tha maine….par hamesha yeh khayal aa jaata hai ..

ki agar saamne wala insaan serious ho gaya ..toh uska dil toot jayega. Isiliye decide kara ki..move on toh main kar hi loongi..par akele…ek ladke se nikalne ke liye doosre ka sahara aap tab le sakte ho jab woh uss ladke ki koi replacement ho. 

Shivani ki life mein Anwesh ki koi replacement nahi hai. Aur kabhi hogi bhi nahi. 

Par ab Anwesh ke liye shivani ki life nahi hai. It’s only and only about myself.

Haan aaj naam likh diya maine uska….kyunki yeh aakhri baar likh rahi hoon main.

Who killed my optimism? Our very own ..Mr.Big …Mr. Madhukar! Mera bharosa utha diya all things “sentimental” par se. 

Aur ab woh ek Special moment..jisse main kabhi nahi bhoolungi…

Maine Anwesh ko phone kiya ki – I had a very bad dream…maine dekha ki tum uske saath..ek art gallery mein ho…jahan uska exhibition laga hai…aur main exhibition dekhne aati hoon, you are with her…and i look at the exhibits, tum dono saath saath ho….and I leave the gallery….main bahar jaati hoon aur tum mere peeche aate ho..and you tell me that you want to be with me and that it’s nothing with her…

I said “see how insecured I am that I am dreaming about all this”

Do you know what he said to me – “Really?? Yeh uska dream hai ki uska exhibition lage aur uski art gallery ho….tumne yeh sapne subah dekha ya dopehar ko..kehte haina subah ke sapne sach hote hain…toh shayad uska art gallery ho bhi jaaye”

Woh uss doosri ladki ki baat kar raha tha…aur yeh mere gaal pe itna bada thappad tha ..ki main iss thappad ko kabhi nahi bhoolungi. 

Maine aise insaan ke saath 2 saal nikal diye….koi itna insensitive ho sakta..iska andaza mujhe ab hota hai…apne do saal kisi ke aage peeche ghoom ghoom kar…

Uss ki tabiyat theek nahi toh davaiyan dene ke bahane chale jaane, usse movie nahi dekhni toh main bhi nahi dekhungi, usse ghar pe dinner karna hai toh ghar pe kar lenge…woh ghar tak drop karne nahi aayega  kyunki pterol prices badd gaye hain toh main metro mein chali jaongi…usse purani girlfriend ki yaad aa rahi hai toh main dost banke sun loongi….

Kya main insaan nahi hoon?? Kya mujhe dard nahi hota?? Kya mujhe bura nahi lagta?? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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