I want to be loved

I am shamelessly going to blog about something from my past. Something I would not have written about had it not lingered in my head for almost 7 weeks now. Something I would not have thought about had I not been frustrated from a four letter word called love. Don’t get me wrong – I have not broken up with Mr. Big and we are not fighting anymore and we I make it a point to spend at least one day in a week together. I just want to write about this because it’s making rounds in my head. Yes you heard/read it right – my HEAD not heart. Because heart is too busy continuously thinking about Big, I and us.

So, this post is about the last one year I spent in Leicester, England. The last one year, when I was terribly homesick, sick of my job but still somehow content and happy. The last one year when walks by the river, impromptu shopping trips, midnight snacking and snowflakes had become a part of my life. This one year is probably a year that left a huge impact on me about human relationships. I was living with my friends most of whom are still very close to me. Life at that point of time seemed much sorted from a mental happiness stand point. Yes, I was terribly homesick but it did occur to me that I was living one of the best times of my life. I probably will not talk about every intriguing detail of that one year. I will however, write about something that gave me all the comfort I could think of. I think the best way I can do this is by describing a couple of days from my life. These are days which are almost printed in my head and whenever I recall my life in Leicester, these days just flash in front of my eyes.

Day 1 – It takes two to tango.

I woke up that morning with a feeling of blah-ness. I decided to beat the feeling by cooking a sumptuous meal. Back then, I used to cook a lot, lots of dishes, for lots of people. Those were the days when I really did enjoy cooking. It always brought a feeling of contentment. A feeling, I still haven’t felt in any other activity – not even sex. I cooked the usual Indian fare for me and my flat mates. It was always during cooking that I realized something or the other ingredient was missing and that it was time to make a trip to Asda (British Departmental megastore). We decided to go to Asda and pick up some more food items. Walking through those isles I almost wanted to grab everything. I could always think of a reason why we absolutely needed something. Still, somehow by the time we reached the teller/cash counter the bill would still be in an okay amount. I think it was because it was at those times that I was realizing the importance of spending wisely. I am still just realizing it 😀 not sure if I have done anything about it.

We came back strolling through Leicester roads and talking about how we really should go away for a weekend. Maybe we could a find a deal on lastminute.com or maybe we could go to London again. Got back home and decided to watch Grey’s anatomy together and then take a walk by the river soar. There was nothing that we did not do to fill our day with quality time. In today’s fast paced world, even with crappy and hectic jobs that one day of the week (our off) would always be full of activities and things we could do (without spending a fortune or sometimes even a penny). How I miss going for a coffee, walking through a busy street, taking a stroll by the river, shopping at Primark and eating lemon tarts. We came back home around evening, had dinner with the flatmates and decided to later go for a walk till the 24 hour petrol station store to get candy for me because I suddenly felt like having something sweet.

 If you look at it, there is nothing extra ordinary about this day, but if you look at it from where I stand, every little moment of this day was as extraordinary as it could get. Not because it was about love or something. No. It was because it was full of life. It was about doing things together. It was about finding joy even in monotony. Something I realize to be important in my life today. Something I find missing in my life here in Delhi. A monotony looms over me which I so desperately want to break but somehow am unable to do it because you know what…It takes two to tango.

Day 2 – A simple yet lasting memory

 9:05 AM – Yet again late for work and woke up with a loud “Oh fuck I am late”. It was snowing outside. I quickly jumped out of bed and started looking for clothes to wear to work. In particular I was looking for black leggings to save me from the crippling cold outside. I yelled and screamed because I could not find a thing in my messy wardrobe. I cursed myself for being lazy throughout the week and not sorting my clothes. Finally after I had shocked the person lying on the bed enough, I decided to pick whatever I could find and rush to the shower. Yes, a shower in that cold weather. I came back from the shower and swore to come back and sort my wardrobe which by now was a mess extraordinaire. I left for work. It was a good forty minutes walk all the way to Belgrave road through the city center. I would walk everyday to work simply because I did not want to spend money by taking the bus. I reached office, worked through the different event contracts and negotiations I worked on for a living and around 6 in the evening I left from work to get back home. It was the usual rut, walking through city centre, trying to do window shopping and thinking about the plethora of things I would do when I get back home. I would think about how dirty the kitchen would be because Saumya decided to cook. I would think about the pile of laundry which desperately needed sorting. I would think about the things I would post on facebook because I had just so much awesome-ness going on in my life. I would also think about the things I had to tell him about payments, food, new things at Primark. I would think of how much I missed clubbing which my entire jing bang had stopped since we graduated. (Till date I don’t know why we stopped it so suddenly)

I reached home and kept my bag on the bed and sat on the study chair to open my laptop. I really was addicted to my laptop back in those days. I would watch Grey’s anatomy, facebook and chit chat with my friends while trying to cook, clean and relax in general. As soon as I flung open my wardrobe to get my pajamas out, I saw a neat pile of clothes lying in front of me. Some sweaters and coats hanging on the rod and my sleepwear neatly folded (just the way I liked it) and kept at the base. I opened my lingerie drawer and it was arranged impeccably (not up to the mark of how I do it but very impressive). He had done it. Suddenly my entire evening was empty because all I had planned to do was sort my wardrobe and that had been done for me. I decided to cook a meal for the flat mates and pack something for him so that he could eat while he was away at work doing a crappy shift. I walked in the kitchen and it was spotless just the way I had left it a night before after dinner. Whatever happened with Saumya cooking a lunch was cleaned by him in efforts for me to have a calmer evening. After cooking dinner I decided to indulge in my favorite activity of all times – candles, bathtub, bubbles and a Stella. It was my ideal way to unwind from the daily grinds of working life. Nobody had ever done something so thoughtful for me. Forgive me mother, I am talking about men in my life. I slept/waited till four in the morning for him to come back home from work. We both sat down and saw another episode of Grey’s and another the day was over in front of us.

Day 3 – Trinkle of Tranquility Spa.

 It’s time at a spa which makes me feel closest to myself. Yes I am really shallow 😀 We planned a spa getaway at the Alton Spa. It was a day full of awesome spa treatments and my most memorable swimming lesson. Do I know how to swim? No. Surprised? Yes, I don’t know how to swim. That’s all I had to say while jumping in the deep pool to get him to rescue me. Did he rescue me? No he jumped right in the pool only to hold me and teach me how to swim and not get me out at a dry spot. Did I learn? Hell No. I was too busy giggling and trying to make him believe that I really do not know how to swim. Let me start with how the day started. It was a gloomy day in Leicester when our cab driver knocked at our door. We were ready with our bag with all swimming and spa essentials packed neatly. We sat in the cab and there began our 1 ½ hour drive to the Alton towers located just at the outskirts of Birmingham. We were excited and so looking forward to it while still doing a mental calculation of the money we had spent on this rather frivolous activity including hiring a cab all the way to the Alton towers since there was no direct bus or train. We reached the Alton spa and there started out day of spa treatments, amazon rain showers, Jacuzzis and deep pool swimming. We were so tired by the end of the day that we could drop dead and go straight to heaven. I think of this day and I take a sigh at the kind of stuff I had done when I was living there, independent and carefree.

___________________________________

This is just a glimpse of the time I had in Leicester. I am not writing this because I am missing a person. No I am not. I am writing about this because I miss that time because it somehow feels like I will never have a similar or better time in Delhi. It was a friendship I cherished. Is it still the same? No. Will it ever be the same? No. It was an inexplicable bond I had with someone.

Coming back to the reason why I am frustrated with Love. I have started to deeply question Love. Yes you got it right – Deeply Question.  What is it really? Is it the feeling of being with someone? Is it the feeling of being FOR someone? Is it the feeling of reciprocity? What is it?

Does Big love me? I don’t think so. He has never said it. He says he can’t feel it ever. For him love is an obsession which isn’t something he can ever feel again. If Big doesn’t love me then why do I give up everything when it comes to him? Why do I give up on my idea of how a relationship should be when it comes to him? Why do I give up my mental peace and my idea of happiness? Why do I compromise on doing things I love? If you asked me this same set of questions precisely 7 weeks back I would have said – because I love him. However, since this set of questions has been posed in front of me today – I will just say… Because in the last two years I have put him on a pedestal I never put anyone on. Because that pedestal isn’t a normal regular boyfriend pedestal that I can remove someone from. Because maybe I am scared to start afresh or maybe because I don’t want to start afresh or maybe because I feel he will come around. A lot of maybe’s and yet no concrete answer. We fight less these days, we spend time together consistently but there is no love. I recognize it more now than ever. I am not writing this post because we fought or because we have broken up. I am writing this post because I am feeling this way. I want to be loved. Madly, deeply and fondly. I really want to be loved and given that feeling that I am extremely important to someone. That I am the one women that melts his heart. That I bring a content smile on his face. I want to be loved.

Feeling Extremely Unwanted,
Me

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