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Back in 2010 when I started this blog I made a little bucket list for myself – I’ll get a job, I’ll sort my life, my finances etc. etc. I have a job now and it’s going well, money matters are going good,however, I am trying to still sort my life – have succeeded a bit but still struggling. I think the only thing I really need on my bucket list is to really get some self-respect. I clearly have none left and it needs major work.
Why is the title of this post – Little Miss Holier Than Thou?
Let me explain, I am the kind of girl who always wants to please everyone. Nobody should dislike me and if they do then it upsets me. I am the kind who believes everybody will just fall in love with me. I say I don’t care about what others think but guess what ..I DO! The wake up call here is that in my attempts to make everyone happy I screw up. Neither do I make them happy not myself and that’s not fair on either party.
I need to get rid of this Little Miss Holier Than Thou attitude. I need to treat people EXACTLY the way they treat me. The sooner I learn that the better it is for me both personally and professionally.
For now serve me a bowl of dignity with a side of self respect please!
Note: Before any of you make it about themselves, let me clearly say it. It isn’t! It’s about me and it’s my time to rise and shine.
I have always envied my best friend for her deep understanding of herself and what independence means to her. I thought I could make everyone happy, do everything right and still be happy myself. Turns out…that doesn’t happen ever. Giving yourself to others only takes you from yourself.
Coming back to myself, I used to be a happy person. Yes, ‘Used to be’. Now I am happy one moment and upset another. I keep swinging in my moods. One minute I am over the top excited and the other I am so angry that I can bang my head against a wall.
I nailed the problem yesterday – in modern world it’s called ‘Frustration’.
I think I cannot make everyone happy so I should stop trying and make myself happy. This is exactly what I plan to do and if those people love me – they will just come around.
My life cannot be about either living with your father or brother or husband. I did not study this much to be chained with this thought. I am sorry that is not going to be me. If I want to live alone and have an independent life where I pay my bills, do my laundry, cook my food and be a sloth kitten and hog all night…then that is exactly what I am going to do.
The most important reason why I want to do this now is because I want to get a grip over my emotions. I am a hot mess right now. I am an A performer at work but an emotional mess. I don’t mind being an average performer as long as I have control over my emotions. To get that control I need to be alone for some time and sort myself out so that I am better equipped to get into a life time commitment of marriage and for bigger, better and meatier roles at work. People management is going to be an integral part of my life 2-3 years from now when I rise to a mid-management level. I can’t manage people if I do not know how to manage my own emotions.
Everybody else can just take a back seat now and let me be. I have one life and this is how it will be lived – on my terms.
Monsoons are playing hide ‘n’ seek with me and I don’t know why. It rains everytime I am at work – with no scope of getting out. Busy in meetings or projects or something that chains me to my desk and then when I really want it to rain on weekends – so that I can enjoy it. Nada. It doesnt!
I really want to sit back and have a cup of coco and read a nice book (The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing being an obvious choice) and enjoy the rains.
Bitch of a monsoon 😦
On Friday, I did something very few people get to do in a day’s work. I drafted a JD (Job Description) for my junior and a training plan for my new manager. I am extremely happy about having a new manager. If you remember I wrote about how I missed having a mentor at work. Well I will have one now. I hope the new manager (who BTW joins today) is a good one – her resume was pretty good so fingers crossed.
As of a junior, now that is something I am not so happy about. Let me tell you something about Professional Me – my expectations are high, my motivation skills are low, my work product is exceptional, my time management skills are beyond awesome and my temper is always on the verge of spilling. All in all my junior will either die of frustration (because of too much work) or of depression (because of no work). It’s as simple as that – I am a perfectionist in my work. I like my work done in a certain way – The Perfect Way. A junior either matches up or just does not survive. Yes I am a Bitch! But the bitch who will either bring the best out in you or you just don’t have it.
This is exactly why I do not want to have a team because
- I am not a people manager.
- I am too busy with my own work to train someone else.
- My attitude is – I’d rather do it myself then correct someone else’s work.
- I should die of shame for having such a lack luster attitude towards team work.
I have trouble assigning work to people because I think they take too much time or they will just not do it right. This is not a very healthy attitude to have – so I decided to actually give myself a chance at team work/management.
I finally (after repeated requests) agreed to get myself a junior. I will train and mentor the junior and will expand my team. J
Wish me luck for this is the biggest challenge that lies ahead of me. Just FYI – I think anybody who will make it through the endless rounds of interview will anyways be a rockstar.
So, I had a bunch of ideas for few posts but hadn’t exactly felt like sitting in front of a computer when the sunny, gorgeous outside world is mocking me for being indoors. So, I am just going to brave it through and write some of it now.
A big meaty word. Here’s what the dictionary says:
Noun: Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others
I am a compassionate person because I am able to feel for others pain and misery and because it moves me. However, I am also somebody who does not feel a thing for able bodied beggars who are just begging because it is an easy thing to do – or because they’d rather beg then do daily wage labor. I am also not compassionate about people who despite having a job (even if it is a low paid one) do not respect it and are not committed towards their job. I do not feel any compassion or any respect towards such people. Tall Claim But True!
There is nothing wrong in being a maid or a cobbler or a guard as long as you are doing your job well. I fail to respect or feel compassion towards a guard who drinks during duty hours. I am sorry this has nothing to do with the whole ‘Poor Man’ ‘Guard’ or ‘Low Paid Worker’ business. This has more to do with the fact that you suck at your job. Period.
Compassion is towards people who can’t help themselves and Respect is for those who can and who do help themselves with their head held high. And that’s how it will always be for me.