I have always envied my best friend for her deep understanding of herself and what independence means to her. I thought I could make everyone happy, do everything right and still be happy myself. Turns out…that doesn’t happen ever. Giving yourself to others only takes you from yourself.
Coming back to myself, I used to be a happy person. Yes, ‘Used to be’. Now I am happy one moment and upset another. I keep swinging in my moods. One minute I am over the top excited and the other I am so angry that I can bang my head against a wall.
I nailed the problem yesterday – in modern world it’s called ‘Frustration’.
I think I cannot make everyone happy so I should stop trying and make myself happy. This is exactly what I plan to do and if those people love me – they will just come around.
My life cannot be about either living with your father or brother or husband. I did not study this much to be chained with this thought. I am sorry that is not going to be me. If I want to live alone and have an independent life where I pay my bills, do my laundry, cook my food and be a sloth kitten and hog all night…then that is exactly what I am going to do.
The most important reason why I want to do this now is because I want to get a grip over my emotions. I am a hot mess right now. I am an A performer at work but an emotional mess. I don’t mind being an average performer as long as I have control over my emotions. To get that control I need to be alone for some time and sort myself out so that I am better equipped to get into a life time commitment of marriage and for bigger, better and meatier roles at work. People management is going to be an integral part of my life 2-3 years from now when I rise to a mid-management level. I can’t manage people if I do not know how to manage my own emotions.
Everybody else can just take a back seat now and let me be. I have one life and this is how it will be lived – on my terms.