I cannot believe myself. Exactly a year back ..I wrote this post (text below).
Where am I after 1 WHOLE YEAR OF THIS REALIZATION….Right Here at the same spot as I was 1 WHOLE YEAR BACK.
Can someone tattoo my forehead…I can’t seem to do it myself. Seriously Dude FUCK LOVE! I cannot believe this is who I have become.
And In this one year…not only did I realize and fully understood that he does not love me…I also found out there might be another women sauntering in his life…if not fully there already. What did I do? NOTHING…I DID NOTHING TO MOVE ON. I got my relationship out of that mess …only to find out that sometimes the mess doesn’t go ..You have to go.
As I read my old posts from a year back..I feel Sorry!
Here….This guy gets the LEGENDARY status in my list of ex-boyfriends. Reigning No. 1. The damage done here will neither forgotten nor be forgiven. I hope I die the day I call him again. I hope I die. And this post is on top my blog feed to remind me what an IDIOT I have been. It’s not his actions that are making me so mad. It’s seeing that I spent 1 YEAR in DENIAL. SHIT 1 Year of my life gone in Denial. I haven’t had the courage to read beyond this post so I am going to stick to 1 YEAR of Denial.It could be more!
My Problem With Big is…..
August 29, 2011.
He is STILL not ready for a commitment. He wants to make this relationship work on his terms. I feel like I’ve lost control over my life (as I sit here waiting for a man to tell me what sort of life, and what sort of relationship, I am to have). I just feel like I should tell him to go away, but I love him and the mere thought of being without him leaves with in a tizzy.
I am experiencing something a lot of people must have – hanging around waiting for the other person to call the shots in your relationship. I am trying to keep my ‘anxiety’ under control when actually it’s my intuition trying to tell me what’s going on.
At this point in our relationship there should have been some sort of commitment statement- spoken or unspoken. That’s what should have happened- we should have been ‘melding’ our separate lives together. But unfortunately we don’t think alike.
I now get a feeling that he really doesn’t see me as ‘the one’. But because he cares for me, to a certain extent, he doesn’t want to fully let me go. He’s got me in some sort of a ‘holding zone’ – not quite sure where to take it but not fully committed. Is that what I really want? No, obviously I don’t.
No matter how I deal with it but I have promised myself that I will deal with it. I need to begin as I mean to go on – with bags of self respect.
Too bad he could not make his mind up in all this time. I will work out my insecurities that stop me from expecting the best treatment. It does not matter what he thinks. I understand his priorities but I expected the same from him and thought that maybe we could work something out, maybe a middle path. But that happens only when two people are ready not when only one person wants everything from that relationship and other does not seem to have in his scheme of priorities.
Life is too short! And I want to spend it with people who truly value me.
Today I did something I have never ever done before. Yes Never! I sat down with someone and went over my entire dating history. No detail skipped. Very Liberating Experience! VERY!
And while I was going through each phase of my dating history, I realized that I am someone who not only makes same mistakes again, I just don’t learn from them. Fifty Shades of Fucked Up! (Yes, I read Fifty Shades of Cheap Porn and I shamelessly admit I loved it) The Kinky Fuckery made me realize that I have a thing for Dom-Sub, not only in matters of pleasure but in matters of ‘life lived generally’. The irony is that I become a Dom at work and a Sub in my relationship. To me, that’s as funny as “I am a follower who can lead.” BS!
I don’t think I am upset because I think people have cheated me. I am upset because – How on earth do I let a cock cloud my judgment so much? I think even the dumbest person around will be able to see what I don’t. People take me for granted. ALWAYS! I don’t have to go too far. They are all around me. I just don’t know where to draw the line, where to tell someone – ENOUGH!
It surprises me, considering I am a very strongly opinionated person who is equally loud and clear about it. How can someone, as vocally strong as I am, let such things happen to themselves? Do I not see when I am becoming an emotional fool? Do I not see when I am falling in the same ditch over and over and over again? Do I not see it when someone is cheating? Or Do I just live in denial hoping it will disappear?
*died from shame and self pity and hoped to reincarnate as Lara Croft*
I have been trying to get myself to focus on the blog so that I can finally write this post. This post has been on my radar for the longest time. I love books. I love reading, however, for almost 1 ½ years I had not read a book in its entirety and it was nagging me from some time now. Finally, a couple of weeks back I picked up my all time favorite book and re-read it to bring back my reading mojo :p. (yes, there is a thing called reading mojo). So I decided to blog about why I like it so much. Please note that this is not a review of the book. These are just reasons as to why I find it so compelling.
My Name is Red by Orhan Pamuk
I cannot stress enough, I love this book. This is my ‘Go-to’ book when I am low, when I am blah or even when I am just out of my reading mojo. Here’s why – The book is one of the best works of Orhan Pamuk, an author I have come to admire in the past few years.
Prelude to this: I am not sure if any of you have ever heard about ‘Marcel Proust’. Proust was a French novelist who had mastered the art of defying time in his written pieces. Most of his work revolved around perception and time. I got my hands on Proust’s – Remembrance of Things Volume 1 & 2. I am not a big fan of ancient literature or any such written work but Proust’s work was gripping in a way I could not describe, not at that time, not now. I read the books in my University Library (think they were a part of the French/English Honors). It did leave a mark on me but I soon forgot about it. Then I read ‘My Name is Red’ upon recommendation from a friend who has good taste in booksJ. I felt that there was a sense of familiarity between Proust and Pamuk’s work. Both have attempted being masters of time in their work and both Proust and Pamuk draw heavily on memory of civilization.
Coming back to My Name is Red – it is especially enticing as it has a different narrator for each chapter giving you a different perspective and thought process after every few pages. That kind of attempt makes it refreshingly interesting. It’s a historical novel set in the late sixteenth century Istanbul and is convincingly detailed. It revolves around complex relationships and is riddled with discussions and debates about form and style, the relationship of art to morality and society and future of ottoman illumination. Very Gripping. It is an interwoven mystery plot and has an enthralling narrative – I would recommend it to anyone remotely interested in reading a good book.
Will write more!
I do not have much to report other than the whirlwind weekend I had. I am not in a frame of mind to write an essay so I’ll do bullet points.
1. Saturday Night Tamasha – Celebrated a work buddy’s birthday at Shalom Delhi. The place is average – they had the most diluted drinks I have ever had. Even after four whiskeys (with water no ice) I was pitch sober. Not even tad bit sober. I hate that feeling. Food Portions were small – pity. Anyway, once out of Shalom we headed towards Smoke House Grill – an overcrowded place where I met half of my ‘acquaintance universe’ (A term I coined to describe – entire pool of people I know). So, once out of Shalom, I was in a ‘Blah’ mood because Big wasn’t there and neither did he bother to make an effort to meet me that night. I don’t blame him, I did not set the right expectations in the beginning of the relationship (I’ll tell you where this is coming from) which led to the rather lax attitude. I also met my BFF – Saumya at Smoke House with her latest conquest. I somehow approved of her choice in the first meeting itself (I really surprised myself – this one was really good). I also happened to exchange numbers with this guy who I had initially met at a Focus Group Discussion I was part of at a big Liquor Company (they are huge- and make some of my favorites). I found him hot then, I find him hot now. ‘Fuck Hot’ as I like to describe. The last time I described someone ‘Fuck Hot’ I left a lot of desires for that person and spent a great deal of past two years with. (Hah You Know Who). Anyway, I wouldn’t take this number exchange so seriously because I am not going to call or entertain the idea. We are leagues apart – and by league I do not mean he is out of my league or I am out of his league. I mean we have different verticals of leagues. It’s a no go. But, the area where I would give this number exchange importance is that – I exchanged numbers with a man while I was in a relationship with a man I had begun to immortalize in my head. Prelude to that is: In the past few weeks, I often caught myself fantasizing about being with an “imaginary” man who would take care of me, treat me like a princess, tell me how much he loves me, and take me to see sunrise and all that cheesy melty stuff. I tried hard to train my mind to imagine Big as that Man but my mind point blank refused because it knew that he would never do it. So here I was fantasizing about an imaginary man other than my partner (wrongdoing in my head). Exchanging numbers only answered that mental battle even though nothing did or will come out of my number exchange with this ‘Fuck Hot’ guy.
2. Wine for Breakfast and the Hauz Khas Exploration – Spent the night at a friends’ place and then headed to Green Park Market for breakfast. Did I ever tell you I love a hearty breakfast? Anyway, post my breakfast with my friend and her boyfriend I headed to ‘Fab India’ for some much needed retail therapy. Once done with that, I met Jean – a dear friend who I have come to adore in the past few months. We don’t talk everyday but we make sure to catch-up every now and then. I seem to get a sense of direction every time I meet her so I really do look forward to our meetings. She wanted to have Wine for Breakfast (Didn’t I tell you she is awesome :p) so we decided to head to Hauz Khas Village. Now the shocker – even after having lived in Delhi all my life – I had never been to Hauz Khas Village. Why? Because I am crazy. I fell in love with the place the moment we walked in those little lanes. I could imagine coming with Big to HKV and walking in the lanes holding his hands. Anyways, we headed to Café Ziro, a place she likes for its cheap booze and good ambiance. She had glass of wine and I had a shocker juice with all fruits and vegetables crushed together. We spoke about a lot of stuff – me, her, her relationship, my relationship, my work, her work and what next. She is also a close friend of Big – in fact its him who introduced me to her (So thanks a lot Mr. Big) So it was in this meeting that the realization dawned upon me that maybe I did not set the expectations right from the beginning of the relationship so I can’t blame him now for the attitude he has or had towards this relationship or me. That’s the best explanation I can give about the situation as I get ready to make a rather delayed exit from this long stretched, defunct and often frowned upon relationship. Coming back to Hauz Khas Village – cute place! Love it…Will definitely go there more often – sometimes with people, sometimes alone. It’s MKOP.
Will write more!
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