I cannot believe myself. Exactly a year back ..I wrote this post (text below).
Where am I after 1 WHOLE YEAR OF THIS REALIZATION….Right Here at the same spot as I was 1 WHOLE YEAR BACK.
Can someone tattoo my forehead…I can’t seem to do it myself. Seriously Dude FUCK LOVE! I cannot believe this is who I have become.
And In this one year…not only did I realize and fully understood that he does not love me…I also found out there might be another women sauntering in his life…if not fully there already. What did I do? NOTHING…I DID NOTHING TO MOVE ON. I got my relationship out of that mess …only to find out that sometimes the mess doesn’t go ..You have to go.
As I read my old posts from a year back..I feel Sorry!
Here….This guy gets the LEGENDARY status in my list of ex-boyfriends. Reigning No. 1. The damage done here will neither forgotten nor be forgiven. I hope I die the day I call him again. I hope I die. And this post is on top my blog feed to remind me what an IDIOT I have been. It’s not his actions that are making me so mad. It’s seeing that I spent 1 YEAR in DENIAL. SHIT 1 Year of my life gone in Denial. I haven’t had the courage to read beyond this post so I am going to stick to 1 YEAR of Denial.It could be more!
My Problem With Big is…..
August 29, 2011.
He is STILL not ready for a commitment. He wants to make this relationship work on his terms. I feel like I’ve lost control over my life (as I sit here waiting for a man to tell me what sort of life, and what sort of relationship, I am to have). I just feel like I should tell him to go away, but I love him and the mere thought of being without him leaves with in a tizzy.
I am experiencing something a lot of people must have – hanging around waiting for the other person to call the shots in your relationship. I am trying to keep my ‘anxiety’ under control when actually it’s my intuition trying to tell me what’s going on.
At this point in our relationship there should have been some sort of commitment statement- spoken or unspoken. That’s what should have happened- we should have been ‘melding’ our separate lives together. But unfortunately we don’t think alike.
I now get a feeling that he really doesn’t see me as ‘the one’. But because he cares for me, to a certain extent, he doesn’t want to fully let me go. He’s got me in some sort of a ‘holding zone’ – not quite sure where to take it but not fully committed. Is that what I really want? No, obviously I don’t.
No matter how I deal with it but I have promised myself that I will deal with it. I need to begin as I mean to go on – with bags of self respect.
Too bad he could not make his mind up in all this time. I will work out my insecurities that stop me from expecting the best treatment. It does not matter what he thinks. I understand his priorities but I expected the same from him and thought that maybe we could work something out, maybe a middle path. But that happens only when two people are ready not when only one person wants everything from that relationship and other does not seem to have in his scheme of priorities.
Life is too short! And I want to spend it with people who truly value me.