I look back and think about how I was back when I was in London and I can say I was a good girl – simple girl. When I was in London, I used to look back and think about how I was back when I was in DU and I used to think I was a good girl – simple girl.
Am I a good girl today? I don’t think so. The #1 reason being that I am more vocal about my ambitions, competition, sex and sarcasm. Five years down the line will I be able to say I was a good girl – a simple girl back when I started by career? Maybe or maybe not.
I think about things now instead of just categorizing them as moral and immoral. I think about pleasure and the present more than I think about tomorrow and righteousness. I am afraid I will do things I don’t think are right but feel right. Am I growing up or growing out?
I used to think that no matter what… relationships should be kept alive and worked upon day in and day out. I now think relationships that need work are like gangrene, better to cut than to suffer. Bad is no more better than broken. Broken is better than bad.
I am changing and I am not sure if I am ready to embrace this change as yet. I wonder what I will be like if 5 years down the line. I wonder if the goodness will survive. I wonder if desires will take over righteousness. Desire to be the best, desire to work at the top in a corporate world ruled by men, desire to reach where I just dream about, desire to accept that sex is purely an activity of pleasure and that love is merely a word in the dictionary. Desire to accept that money is by far the most important thing in life because you are not known by who you are but by what car you drive, you are not courted for who you are but because you are low maintenance, you are not the one someone will spend the rest of his life with because bills are still paid by money and not love. Desire to tell a man that he is where he is not because of his good work but because he is an ace ass-licker. Desire to tell a man that just because I say two kind words to people at work does not mean I will sleep with them.
Desire will one day precede over righteousness and I see that day coming.